MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Seems legit
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.