“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
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This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back