I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
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Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
haha same
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Actually cracking up @ this
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs