If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
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Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.