At least try to make it slightly believable
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Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.