INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
new career option?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Body by cheese-puffs.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.