a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
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fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Investing in beetcoin