what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
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me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.