I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
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CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
This is me 🤣🤣
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE