(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
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The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.