[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
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Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.