If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
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Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people