doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
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As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*