Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
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[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”