Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
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Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
October already? What’s next? November????
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Friday night party time 🥳
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.