You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
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Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
@funTweeters
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive