My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
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Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Every work call, he judges.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?