If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
You Might Also Like
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.