You Might Also Like
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
6: are snakes just neck?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
men are simple creatures
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No