When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..