Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
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Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?