“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
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Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.