THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
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Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
saving face 👀