If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
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The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside