I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
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It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?