“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
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At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Brother?
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews