every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
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Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Flowers bee like
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework