a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
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Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.