I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
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Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
#math