Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
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airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
So we got a goldfish…
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I have two kinds of followers
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”