You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
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Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.