Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
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can I use a minion as a tampon
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”