Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
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INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.