coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
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Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
*praying for world peace*
God:
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Best seat on the street 😍
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
sir, my pâté if you please
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.