Word find for ghosts:
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O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
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*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Still a very good boi….
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”