I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
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nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
that colleague who touches your screen
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
dutch is not a serious language
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.