Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
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Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry