They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off