Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
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NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.