What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
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I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
accurate
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.