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4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.