4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
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Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?