I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
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Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
incredible text to wake up to
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.