computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
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Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this