if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
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I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
if my sleeping schedule was a person
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild