I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
You Might Also Like
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “