tinder profile where the fish is holding me
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I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency