(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
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A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
The most important meal of the day is the next one
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”