*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
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*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Look at this
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
How do you like your Corgi?
Plumber: I think I found the problem
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!