The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
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*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life